I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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