apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
