His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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