Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
