i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
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Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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