That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
