I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
