If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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