How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
