nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
