There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Randomize
