i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
