Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So apparently I’m into choking now
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
