I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
