I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
