you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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