would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
