nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
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Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
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YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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