I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
