Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
