My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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