smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
