I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
