I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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