Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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