I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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