I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
