I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
