I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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