Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
