I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
