One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
