So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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