TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
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Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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