Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
