This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
