I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
