So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
