Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
