I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
