I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
