I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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