Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
