so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
