Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
