nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
