if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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