Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
