when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
