In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.