she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
