dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
