y did u give ur computer a hand job?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
