yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
