hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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