nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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