He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
