I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
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yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
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Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.