dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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