I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
