when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
