The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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